Cheering up Mac
by AAB
Summary: Mac is very down. Can Harm make a difference?
1. Chapter 1

**Cheering up Mac  
**

 _ **Part 1  
**_

 _Thirst week of November  
JAG office  
_A knock on his office door jolted Harm out of his concentration. He looked up to see Mac on the doorstep.  
"Can you give me a ride home this afternoon? My car is at the garage."  
Harm nodded "Of course. What time do you want to leave?  
"Around 17.30 would be fine."  
"Ok."  
Mac gave him a little smile that didn't reach her eyes and went back to her own office, leaving Harm looking at her disappearing back. He didn't like what he saw. Or better, he liked looking at his co-worker slash best friend but he definitely didn't like the way she looked: tired, her shoulders slumping and with dark spots under her eyes that she had tried in vain to mask with make-up. She clearly had lost a few pounds and worse, the sparkle in her beautiful brown eyes had gone. She hadn't said anything though, not how she felt, not what had been bothering her, nothing. He had thought it being best to give her time, to wait until she came to him but that didn't seem to happen. He had hinted but she hadn't responded. Now, he decided, he had enough and the ride home would be the perfect opportunity to find out what was wrong.

They drove home in silence, Harm more worried than he was ready to admit. He didn't know whether it was by her appearance, her quick surrender or her lack of feistiness. When they reached Mac's apartment and went in, he was shocked once more. The normally so pristine place was cluttered, all kinds of items, books, tissues and clothes shattered throughout the room, and clearly the floor and furniture hadn't experienced a dust cloth or vacuum cleaner for some days, if not weeks.  
Mac flopped down on the couch and looked at him defensively. "Well!?"  
For a moment Harm was at loss for words. He recognized his partner's tactical move and realized he had to choose his words with utmost care. With a disarming smile he crouched in front of her. "Mac …" he started but that single word and even more the tone of his voice were Mac's undoing. She hid her face in her hands and started to cry. Harm, following his instinct, was at her side immediately and lifted her onto his lap, his arms firmly holding her. She didn't fight him, instead slumped against him, which only served to increase his worry.  
They sat for over ten minutes when finally Mac's sobs subdued and she sat straight again, looking around for a tissue. Harm handed her his handkerchief and patiently waited for her to start talking. After a few deep breaths she looked at him and whispered "Sorry."  
Harm took her hands in his. "Tell me," he pleaded.  
"I don't know where to begin. It's just, for weeks I have been feeling like crap. I'm down, depressed, not able to do something. I have to kick myself out of bed each morning, I hardly manage to drag myself though the day, each time praying the admiral won't hand me a high profile case. Eating, let alone cooking is too much …" She let out a sob. "I'm such a mess."  
Harm felt his own eyes sting and didn't know any better than pull her flush again. He was happy she didn't resist him.  
"Why didn't you say something; why didn't you come to me?"  
Mac shrugged. "We haven't been the best of friends lately. I know …" She stopped him from interrupting. "We agreed on going back to the beginning, being friends again, but we still have to work on that. And I thought I could handle it. I didn't want to put the burden on you …"  
Harm kept silent, except for caressing her hands. He knew it was true; they were still working on regaining their friendship.  
"I'm sorry," Mac sighed again.  
They were silent for some minutes.  
"Did you think of counselling?" Harm finally asked.  
Mac nodded reluctantly. "Yes, but I decided against it. This isn't the first time I had an episode like this. I thought I could manage this one, too. And I was afraid a shrink would prescribe medication. With my alcoholism, I didn't want the risk another addiction. And third, I thought about the impact on my career, you know …" she didn't have to finish that sentence, Harm already nodded. Not only could it influence her chances on promotion, when word went out she could count on an opponent in court using it against her or a client using it as an excuse for bad defence. But that didn't change the fact something had to be done.  
"Will you let me help you?"  
Mac nodded, but doubted "What can you do?"  
Harm knew she was right, she had to fight the depression herself, but had his answer ready. "First I'm going to help you with this …" he fought to find a non-offensive word for the state of Mac's house. "Pigsty," Mac filled in with a snort.  
Harm shrugged. "A home should be a place to relax, to gather new strength and at this moment, I don't think that is happening. I think you should concentrate on getting better, not on juggling a career and a house and whatever you try to juggle now."  
"Not much," Mac interrupted.  
"Next to that, I'm going to make sure you eat well. No …" he prevented her from talking "I'm not going to force-feed you, just make sure you have regular meals and that you have food in the fridge that doesn't take much effort to prepare."  
Mac managed a smile. "That means you allow me fruit rolls?"  
Harm smiled back. "As long as you promise to eat them."

While driving home Harm thought about ways to help Mac. She had been right, she had to fight the depression herself but he was determined to support her all the way. He only had to figure out how.  
For starters he would clean her house that weekend and make sure she had enough ready to heat food in her fridge and freezer. Soup and casseroles would do fine. That brought him to another thought, he needed groceries. Turning towards the nearest supermarket he made a list of what he, and Mac, needed.  
Wheeling his trolley through the aisles he passed by the candy section. That sparked an idea. Not a fan of sweets himself he nevertheless grabbed a few things, then turned to the paper ware section to select some cards.  
After loading the groceries in the trunk he went back into the mall and made a few quick other visits.

The next day he set his plan in motion. When Mac arrived she found a small teddy bear sitting on her desk, holding a heart in its little arms. Despite herself Mac managed a smile, knowing for sure who had put it there. Quickly she put it in the drawer of her desk, not wanting to have to answer questions. Luckily Harriet hadn't seen it yet.

Over the following days and weeks Harm made sure Mac had a little surprise every day: a card, a candy item, a knickknack or a funny little movie in her mail. He made them small, not to embarrass her but he wanted to have her smile even though it was only once every day.  
Next to that he made it his task to have lunch together, taking her for a short walk if the weather permitted, or bringing her a sandwich or a plate of heated leftovers. And he didn't leave until she had finished the meal.  
He also had confided to Bud and Harriet. Not unveiling everything Mac had said but told them just enough to ensure their help. Which they were eager to give. So at the days investigations kept Harm out of the office Bud or Harriet stepped in, making sure Mac took a break and had a more or less decent lunch.  
By now the Admiral was aware of the problem, as usual not revealing how he knew, but he decided not to intervene, giving Mac the time to sort things out. He kept a watchful eye on her performance though; no client should experience any disadvantage.

 _Week of Thanksgiving  
Tuesday, around 9am  
In the car on their way to question a witness  
_They drove in a comfortable silence, Harm behind the steering wheel and Mac in charge of the radio and enjoying the view.  
"Too bad little AJ got measles and that it turned out Bud didn't have them before so they had to cancel Thanksgiving dinner. But the thought of Bud covered in red spots …," she chuckled.  
Harm joined her, delighted he actually heard her laugh again. Then he asked her "How do _you_ feel about cancelling?"  
Mac pondered for some moments and Harm patiently waited for her to answer.  
"Mixed feelings, I guess," she finally offered. "I'll miss being together; I'll miss spending time with our godson but … I don't know whether I would have been up to the stress of 'acting normal and cheery' or telling everyone what I am grateful of." She turned to Harm. "Don't misunderstand me, I have a lot to be grateful of, starting with your friendship, but right now," she sighed "sometimes it's hard to remember."  
Harm reached out with his hand and squeezed hers comfortingly. "I know, and I don't want you to do things you're not up to, yet," he said. "But it will get better, I promise."  
Mac looked at him. "How can you be so sure?"  
Harm smiled. "For one, you laughed at the thought of a spotted Bud. It's some time ago I heard you laugh spontaneously," he explained. "And then, when we were at the gas station you loaded your bag with snacks. I can't say I admire your choice of food," he winked teasingly "but it's good to see your appetite is coming back."  
'She still has a fantastic figure but clearly she lost a couple of pounds over the last months,' Harm mused and he had to come up with a plan to fatten her up a bit again.  
Mac nodded thoughtfully. "You're right. I guess I have to look at the small steps more, rather than to expect it to be alright in one go."

When they reached the home of their witness they discovered he was not there. His wife told them he had a doctor's appointment and that she expected him to be back at twelve. It left Harm and Mac with two hours of time to fill. They decide to find a café to have a drink and go over the case once more but when they drove off Mac spotted a sign reading "Fair" in lopsided letters.  
"Let's go and have a look," she said impulsively.  
Obediently Harm parked the car and they walked towards a large house. Once inside they discovered it was a group home for disabled kids. Several small stalls were situated against the walls. They were packed with second hand books, pottery, different kinds of food and lots of homemade decorations like turkeys and pilgrims but also candles, stars, snowmen and Santas.  
Behind the stalls stood the proud makers, kids with Down syndrome, in wheelchairs or with crutches, all eager to sell to the 30 or so visitors.  
Mac and Harm wandered through the rooms, picking up items and buying a cup of hot chocolate with a Danish pastry. One of the boys seemed to develop a particular interest in Harm, abandoning his stall and following him around. Mac nudged Harm to draw his attention to the kid.  
"Hi kiddo," Harm greeted the boy, crouching down in front of him so he could look him in the eyes. The boy was about 8 years old and walked with crutches. "I'm Harm. What's your name?"  
"Peter and you are a navy aviator," he beamed. Harm nodded.  
"I like planes," the boy continued. "When I'm grown up I want to fly them."  
"That is good," Harm answered, not wanting to destroy the boy's dream. "I have a plane of my own, a Stearman. Maybe you can come and look at it someday."  
The boy beamed. "That would be cool! You must tell Mr. Simply."  
Harm looked in the direction the boy pointed and saw a sturdy, grey-haired man looking at him. Catching Harm's eyes he walked over and introduced himself as Jonathan Simply, director of the home.  
"This is Harm," Peter yipped excitedly "And he is going to show us around on a Navy airbase."  
This statement was met with raised eyebrows. Then Jonathan patted the little boy on the shoulder "That would be exciting, wouldn't it?" and sent him back to his stall.  
Harm laughed and introduced himself "I'm Commander Harmon Rabb and I'm a JAG-lawyer/ navy-aviator and this is my colleague Colonel MacKenzie." They shook hands.  
"So you are inviting us to an airbase?"  
Harm chuckled "It was not exactly what I said, but yes, I think it can be arranged."  
"The kids would love it. There is not much budget for outings, or any extras. In fact, this fair …" he waved his hand around "is to raise money for Christmas decorations. We had a severe leakage in the attic earlier this year and much was destroyed. And since the central heating desperately needs fixing …" he didn't finish the sentence.  
Harm dug up a card and handed it to him. "I'll see what I can do," he promised.  
Next to him Mac coughed to catch his attention. "Harm, we have to go. We have a witness to interview."  
Harm nodded, bid Mr. Simply farewell and followed her to the car.

When they drove back to Washington, Mac was very silent. After a while Harm asked tentatively "Want to share?"  
Mac shrugged. "I feel ashamed, I guess, seeing those kids. They have such challenges and are living in a home which is clearly not fitted for their needs and still they are so happy. And I … I am healthy, have a nice apartment, a career, wonderful friends … and I'm feeling lousy." She wiped her eyes. "What right do I have to feel like that?"  
Harm knew he had to stop the flow of her thoughts. It only would make her more depressed. "Stop it, Mac," he stated firmly. "You should not think like that. You have gone through a lot, too. You did not choose to get into a depression."  
Reluctantly Mac nodded. She knew he was right.  
"Besides, you have a lot in common. They are fighters, Mac, and so are you. This is not going to beat you."  
"No?" She sounded so small and vulnerable, all but begging for reassurance, that it almost broke his heart.  
"No, it isn't."  
Mac heaved a deep sigh. "Thanks, Harm, I think I needed to hear that."  
Harm gave her a warm smile and turned his eyes back to the traffic. "You will see, Marine, you will see."

When they were back in Washington, the statements of the witness in their briefcases, it was late afternoon. Looking at his watch Harm pulled out his cell phone and punched in a number. "Hi Sven. It's Harm." He listened to the answer. "Yes, I'm in, but that's not what I was calling for. Listen, you still do that charity-tree-thing? I have a candidate for you."


	2. Chapter 2

_**Part 2  
**_

 _Last week of November  
Tuesday, late afternoon  
Parking lot outside JAG headquarters  
_"Plans, Marine?" Harm smiled.  
Mac nodded. "I'm looking forward to a nice hot bubble bath, a mug of tea, some chocolate and the latest novel of Nora Roberts."  
"Sounds good," he replied, but when they walked to their respectively cars, he became more silent. Mac turned to him to say goodbye and that was when she noticed his expression. She raised her brows in a silent question. When he didn't react she tentatively placed her hand on his sleeve. "What's wrong?"  
Harm faced away and Mac became more concerned. "Harm?"  
He gave her a quick glance.  
"Am I … am I crowding you?"  
Mac's jaw almost dropped but she regained face quickly since she recognized the sincerity of his question. He was dead-serious.  
"No," she said firmly, then added "Let's sit in the car for a moment."  
He did as she proposed. She took some moments to gather her thoughts.  
"Harm," she started, "When you are … in a state I've been in for the past weeks, dragging yourself out of bed is hard. It is hard to work your way through the day and even harder letting nobody know how depressed you really feel. And then you come home and you don't have to pretend and …" she sighed. "But is equally hard to come home and want absolutely nothing. Normally you plan your evening, whether it is doing chores of running an errand or just a program you want to see or a book you want to read … I didn't seem able to plan or do anything. Only come home and sit and stare. For hours." Mac looked at Harm and saw his eyes locked to her face. He listened intensely. She reached out to him again.  
"Today I'm looking forwards to go home again. I even planned the evening." She smiled. "It feels so good to actually looking forwards." Her face dropped "That came out wrong. Harm, I do look forwards to our evenings together. It's just that this is the first time …." her voice trailed. Biting her lower lip she threw a quick glance at his face. Till her immense relief he smiled. "So it _is_ going better."  
She nodded. "And Harm, I'm going to use that bath salt you gave me, the tea, the chocolates, the novel, all gifts from you. I have so much to thank you for. Not the presents themselves, you don't need to give me something, but …" She struggled to put her thoughts into words. "It's the feeling it gives me, that you are there, that you care." Her eyes stayed fixed on her hands in her lap, only looking up when his hand covered hers.  
"You're welcome, Mac." His voice sounded warm. It gave her the courage to ask another question.  
"Harm …" she hesitated for a second. "Do I claim you?"  
"No!" Now _he_ sounded genuinely shocked. "You don't claim me. I'm offering, remember. And I cherish the hours I spend with you." He saw she was about to say something and shut her down by raising his hand. "Yes, I do, Mac, even when you're in a down mood."  
She couldn't help the tears that welled up in her eyes. "Thank you," she whispered. Harm brought his hand to her face and tenderly wiped away her tears with his thumb.  
They sat together for some moments till Mac decided they should not raise any suspicions. They were both in uniform and sitting in a closed car, having a private conversation and holding hands, it might just not agree with military rules. Besides, since the engine was not running, it became a bit chilly.  
She gave Harm a quick smile. "You're going to play basketball tonight, aren't you?"  
Harm nodded. "Yes, since you dismissed me …" he said with a wink so she shouldn't take his comment too seriously.

 _First week of December  
Monday, Lunchtime  
JAG Headquarters  
_Harm manoeuvred his way through the busy cafeteria, carrying two trays of food. Waiting for him and the food - not necessarily in that order - was his favourite Marine and it made him happy she was back to her normal 'eating like a pig and staying skinny like a twig'.  
However he was debating whether or not to take the next step. He wanted to share a part of his life with her he kept pretty much to himself till now.  
Every Tuesday he used to play basketball with a couple of buddies in a gym nearby. Normally there were no women allowed but there was one exception: the Christmas-charity game. For one evening ten or twelve teams, mostly teams of friends or pubs gathered to compete. Over the year each team had raised money, having the players pay a quarter for each point they scored. That special evening the winning team would get all the money, leaving it to their star player, the one making the most goals that very evening, to decide which charity would benefit. That and only that night wives, families and girl- and boyfriends were invited to watch and cheer.  
He knew he was ready to take her but would she be ready, or willing as a matter of fact, to come? He looked at her, seeing her flipping through a file. He would ask her, he made up his mind.

 _Tuesday evening  
Gym  
_Although Mac had had her doubts, now she was glad she had accepted his invitation. Not only because it would have been rude to turn him down, him willing to share an until then hidden part of his live, but she really enjoyed herself. She had been a bit shy at first, knowing no one but the other women had taken her into their circle immediately and before long she had been yelling and cheering just as loud as the others. Now the final play was on and Harm's team was one of the two competitors.  
It was the last minute of the game, it was a tie and the public already started to count down the final seconds when Harm got the ball. Standing at the other side of the field and hearing the crowd yell "Nine, eight, seven, …" he decided desperate times warranted desperate measures and threw the ball from about 25 metres to the hoop. The public kept their breath when the ball tumbled through the air, hit the rim, made a few rounds on it and finally, at the sound of the end signal decided to fall through, leaving Harm's team with the victory. The applause was roaring and Harm grinned from ear to ear. His team mates crowded around him, slamming him on the back. Mac didn't know how she had descended the tribune but the next thing she knew she was flinging herself into his arms. Harm wrapped his arms around her and held her tight.  
"He, you can kiss her, bro!" one of his team mates laughed. Harm looked into Mac's eyes, not sure whether she would like that but she made the decision for him, pulling his head down and giving him a sound kiss on the lips. And he was most eager to kiss her back.  
Next to that it was time to find out who scored the most points. The officials were counting the results of the different games and another round of applause followed the announcement that Harm's final shot not only earned his team the victory but also earned him the honour to decide how the over 2000 dollars were to be spent.  
A silence fell and all were eager to find out where the money would go. Harm started to tell how he and Mac had visited the home for disabled kids only three weeks before and how they struggled. The money would go into a new heating system, he announced.  
This was met by yet another round of applause and cheers. When the noise subsided, a man from one of the other teams came forward. He introduced himself as Gregory Mitlav and told he and his brother owned an electric company. As a company they were used to pick a Christmas' charity project each year as well and they hadn't chosen one yet. If allowed they were prepared to do the job for only the cost of the materials. More cheers and applause were his reward. Harm shook his hand and promised to get in touch the next day.  
The kids getting tired the crowd decided to call it a day. The men disappeared into the changing rooms to shower and get dressed while the women collected leftover snacks and got rid of the garbage.  
Mac waited for Harm to come out. When he appeared it was with a tall fair-haired man who slammed him on the shoulder "You did great today. We count on you Friday evening and don't forget to bring your guitar. And your girlfriend …" he added with a glance at Mac.  
Mac raised a brow. She had to ask him to explain that.  
Together they walked to the car and Harm, still in the winning mood, asked "What about a coffee?" Mac nodded. "Let's make that cup of cocoa. There is a great cocoa bar just a few blocks from here," she suggested. Harm tossed her the keys. "Lead the way, Marine."  
In the bar, both with a steaming mug in front of them, Mac asked curiously "Who was that guy and what's happening Friday evening?" Harm had been already pondering his answer, knowing she had heard Sven's words.  
"That was Sven Dålgrun, one of my baseball buddies," he started with the easiest part. "He and his wife Sigrid are living just outside Washington. They have three kids and they own a tree farm." Mac nodded; she remembered an equally fair-haired woman and two boys and a girl, sitting a few yards aside from her that evening. "O, he is the guy you called about Christmas trees for the group home," she realised.  
Harm nodded. "Yes, that's him. And about Friday, both he and his wife being from Swedish descent they keep some traditions from their old culture and this weekend they celebrate Santa Lucia. It's kind of a celebration of the return of the light in the dark wintertime. I'm sure you saw pictures of it, a girl with long blond hair dressed in white, a red sash around her waist and a crown with candles on her head." Mac nodded thoughtfully, she indeed recalled seeing such pictures. "Originally St. Lucia is celebrated on December 13th. Sven and Sigrid like to invite a couple of friends over around that time. We watch the arrival of St. Lucia, there is a bonfire, we drink glögg, which is a Swedish Christmas wine, very strong with spices, almonds and raisins and there are all kinds of Swedish cookies and snacks. Then we sing Christmas songs around the fire. Sometimes Sven manages to find a violin or an accordion player and they drag us all in dancing Swedish folk dances," he added with a chuckle. "And we always go home with a Christmas tree."  
He took Mac's hand. "So, do you want to come with me Friday night?"  
Mac bit her lip. She had really enjoyed herself this evening but things were moving fast now and she was not sure she was ready. "Can I give you my answer in the morning?" she asked a bit shyly. Harm smiled. He was relieved she didn't turn down the idea immediately. "Of course, you can think about it. But they'd love to have you and remember, at one time every one of us was there for the first time, knowing no one else." Mac had to swallow hard; as usual he read her mind. "I let you know tomorrow morning," she promised.

 _Friday late afternoon  
JAG office  
_Harm whistled when he changed after work. Mac _had_ agreed to come with him that evening and that in itself was reason enough to be cheerful. Leaving the room he found Mac, also in civvies, waiting for him. He looked appreciating at her jeans, warm fleece sweater and jacket. Walking to the car she pulled a hat and mittens out of her pockets. Harm laughed "I see you're prepared." Mac grinned back at him "Yep. I'm a Marine, remember." To her own surprise she was looking forward to the evening.  
An hour's drive brought them to the Dålgruns' place. Already a small group had gathered, cups in hand. Sven came forwards to welcome them and appeared genuinely happy Mac was there, too. He introduced them to some friends and then announced the evening's program. First there was a cup of coffee for everyone. Next the guests would swarm out over the premises to pick and cut a tree. They were for free but a donation to the year's charity project would be appreciated. A voice asked what the project was and to Harm and Mac's surprise it was the same group home they sponsored. Sven noticed their faces and gave them a wink.  
After the trees were cut and brought to the parking lot everyone would gather around the fire again, waiting for the arrival of Santa Lucia. By then the smorgåsbord would be ready as well. The final point on the agenda would be singing Christmas songs around the bonfire.  
Mac looked at Harm puzzled. "What's a smorgåsbord?" she whispered.  
Harm smiled. "A kind of buffet. All kinds of sandwiches, fish, cold and warm meats, cheese and desserts. You will love it!"  
In the meantime they had reached the trees and axes were handed out. Sven walked over to Harm and Mac. "What size of tree are you looking for? I remember you prefer around 5 feet?" he said, looking at Harm. Harm nodded "Yes, and for Mac about 6 feet, I think."  
"Then you should go a bit to the left," Sven pointed out and indeed, there they both found the perfect tree. Harm swung the axe and with a few well aimed chops he felled the trees. Handing Mac the axe to carry he dragged them one by one to the cars. Mac saw him put a donation into the container. "You're not going to pay for both trees, are you?" she asked him when he came back. "I can pay for mine." Harm shrugged. "I took you here so …" Mac threw him a look that clearly said the final word wasn't spoken about it but she let it slip for the moment, not wanting to quarrel at a party.  
By now everyone had collected a tree and waited for the queen of light to come. Now Mac understood why Harm had to bring his guitar. He clearly had practised since he started with a song unfamiliar to her but familiar to the Dålgrun family since they formed a small choir and started to sing the Swedish words "Natten går tunga fjät runt gård och stuga …*" She didn't understand a word, except for some words of the refrain "Sankta Lucia, Sankta Lucia".  
Suddenly there was a small gasp. From out of the dark a young girl in a white dress with a crown with candles on her long blonde hair approached. She carried a candle in one hand and a tin of spiced cookies in the other, presenting one to all of them. Then she removed the crown and placed it with the candle on a table.  
Sigrid announced the smorgasbord. "And since Mac is then newest acquisition to our group, to her the honour to have the first pick." Mac stood baffled but let Sigrid lead her to the tables, set out with all kind of delicacies. Looking at the plates with fish and meat she had to keep herself from drooling. Sigrid explained she was to start with the fish, come back for some cold meat, continue with the hot meat and end with the desserts of her choice. And Mac was most happy to follow those 'orders'.  
They all ate to their hearts' delight. With most of the food gone, Sigrid poured another round of drinks and all gathered around the fire again. Once again Harm strummed his guitar and led the carol singing. They sang cheerfully for about an hour till the fire slowly burned out and it was decided to call it a day. All said their goodbyes and headed to the cars. Harm flipped the backseats over and loaded the trees into the car. With a last wave to Sven and Sigrid they drove off.  
Mac was silent and Harm glanced nervously at her. Maybe this evening had been a bit too much. But to his relief she was sitting with a smile on her face, softly humming with the carols on the radio. She felt his eyes on her and looked at him. "Thanks Harm, I had a wonderful evening," she beamed. Harm took a deep breath and blew the air out again. She was fine.

An hour later he pulled up before her apartment. "I'll carry your tree inside," he said. She held the doors open while he hauled the prickly item up the stairs and into her apartment. She already got the holder so he could place it right in. "Thanks. Do you like a cup of coffee before leaving?"  
Harm nodded. He fletched his shoulders and took a seat on the couch, savouring his coffee. Mac, though, had an ugly feeling nagging her. She couldn't pinpoint it, but for some reason she grew more agitated and worried by the minute. When Harm had finished his coffee he rose, and with a caress to her cheek, headed to the door. "See you tomorrow?" She nodded mutely.  
It's wasn't before the door was closed and he was on his way down when it hit her. She would never see him again when she let him go now. She didn't know why she was so sure of that but she was. She would never see him again! Panic hit and in a split second she too was on her feet and, not bothering about shoes or coat, ran after him, as fast as her feet could carry her. He was already in his car, driving off when she reached the parking lot. Waving and screaming she pursued his car. Luckily he saw her in his rear view mirror and came to a screeching halt. He was out of the car immediately. "Mac, what are you doing? What's wrong? You're not wearing any footwear," he noticed shocked. She flung herself in his arms, crying and shaking "Don't go, don't leave me!" Without a word he lifted her up and carried her back in. The front door closed behind them he carefully put her on her feet. "Honey, what's wrong?" She was still shaking like a leaf. "I don't know but you can't go. You must stay! Please?" Her voice was so desperate Harm would have done anything for her. "Ssshhh, I stay. Don't worry, I won't leave you," he comforted her, his arms still firmly around her. Slowly her shaking subsided.  
Harm realized his car was still on the parking lot, door open and engine running. "Can I re-park my car," he asked tentatively. Mac hesitated for a moment. "Yes," she said.  
Harm ran to his car, not wanting her to be alone longer than necessary. He parked his car, grabbed his sea bag and locked the doors. Then he rushed back, finding Mac rooted to the same spot. He swung his bag over his shoulder, lifted Mac in his arms and carried her back to her apartment. The door was still ajar. He kicked it close behind them and carried her to the couch, lowered her on it and sat himself next to her, grabbing the afghan to cover and warm her. She wouldn't let go of his hands though.  
It took Mac some time to calm down, Harm waiting patiently at her side. Finally she heaved a deep sigh. "I'm sorry; I don't know what came over me. But you can't leave me tonight!" She tried to get up and the panic was back in her voice. Harm squeezed her hands. "I won't," he promised again. They sat there, Harm's thumbs caressing the back of Mac's hands, until he said "Honey, can you tell me what happened?" Mac's lips started to quiver once more and she pushed herself up, throwing herself into his arms. "I lose you. I knew I would lose you. I would never see you again if I let you walk out of that door. Don't ask me how I knew, I just knew!" She clung onto him like she never would let go again. Harm was stunned. He scooped her up, set her on his lap, afghan and all, and rocked her gently. "I've got you. I'm not going anywhere." He kept whispering soothing words till she calmed down. After a while she let out a massive yawn.  
"Let's hit the rack," he said. Mac agreed, pulling back and missing his warmth immediately.  
Harm was a bit unsure how to proceed but not Mac. She looked up at him and whispered "Hold me tonight?" Harm nodded; there was nothing he wished to do more. Minutes later they were under the blankets and it didn't take long for them to doze off.

 _* The night goes with heavy steps around garden and house_


	3. Chapter 3

_**Part 3  
**_

 _5.20 am  
Saturday morning  
_The shrill sound of the phone jolted Mac out of a deep dreamless sleep. She looked around dazed. Harm was still lying next to her, sound asleep. She scrambled to pick up the receiver. From the other side of the line came the strangely stressed voice of her CO Admiral Chegwidden "Mac, do you have contact with Harm?" Mac was flabbergasted, her internal clock now kicking in and telling her is was only 5.20 am and weekend. Why the h*** would Chegwidden want to know?  
"Yes Sir," she answered tentatively not wanting to reveal too much. "He is here, it was late last night." A huge sigh came over the line. "Thank GOD!"  
Now Mac was really alarmed. "Sir, what's wrong?"  
She didn't get an answer, instead he all but ordered "Can I speak to him?"  
"Yes Sir, I'll wake him up."  
Careful not to let their CO know they were in the same bed, she shook Harm awake and filled him in with what little she knew. Still a bit drowsily he took the phone "Sir?"  
"God, I'm so glad to hear your voice, son." If anything the use of the word 'son' alarmed Harm but Chegwidden already moved on. "I got a phone call from the police half an hour ago. Apparently there has been a fire in your building, or in the garage boxes beneath. There is at least one casualty. Even though they found no body in your apartment, no one could reach you." Harm gasped for breath. When he regained his wits he said "I'll be right over, Sir."  
"Good, I'm at your place as well."  
Harm jumped out of bed and began to dress as fast as he could, in the meantime filling Mac in. She too was dressed in moments and both ran out of the door to speed to Harms' place.

Certainly breaking speed limits and violating some other traffic rules they arrived at Harm's only 20 minutes later, where they were met by their CO and the fire commander. The handshake Chegwidden gave them testified of the stress he had been in and his relief to see his officer safely in front of him.  
The fire commander started to explain the fire started in one of the garage boxes. Because of the lack of oxygen is had been more smouldering than burning, but it had produced a lot of smoke and fumes which found their way up to the apartments above suffocating all life inside.  
At that moment a stretcher with a covered mass was carried outside. The fire commander nodded. "Yes, we found a body. We are not sure whether it's the occupant, though. Maybe you can identify him?" He looked at Harm who had paled, now fully realizing the fate he had escaped. If it hadn't been for Mac's premonitions …  
"I don't know my neighbours that well but I give it a try," he said. The fire commander walked him over to the stretcher and ordered the cover to be taken away. Seeing the lifeless figure Harm grew even more serious. "Yes, I know him. It's Jack Shires. He lives in that apartment," he pointed to some windows. "We worked on our cars together a couple of times."  
"Do you know anything about his family?"  
"His folks live somewhere in Missouri. A little village ... Green-something. He has a sister in Washington but I don't know where she lives. Northern part of the city. She …" he bit his lip trying to remember. "I think she works, or used to work in a flower shop at the mall at Wisconsin Avenue. I dropped him off there once, not too long ago."  
The fire commander nodded. "Thank you, Sir. This is very helpful."  
"Can I go into my own apartment already?" Harm wanted to know.  
"You can go there but only accompanied by one of us," the commander told him. "And wearing a gasmask. We still have to make sure all fumes are gone." Harm nodded and had one of the fire-fighters provide him with the equipment. Together they disappeared into the building.  
About ten minutes later they came out again, Harm carrying a bag. The fire commander was instructing him "You have to wash or dry clean the cloths before wearing them. We will be here for a while and will air your apartment as much as possible. Do you have a key for us, to lock afterwards?" Harm looked at Mac. "Do you have my spare key with you?" Mac was already grabbling in her pocket.  
"It will take two or three days before the fumes have gone and then you will need a specialist cleaning company. We can provide you with some names. Do you have a place to stay?"  
"He stays with me!" Mac stepped in. No way was he going to a hotel!  
"That's settled then," the Admiral added his voice to the conversation. "Harm, I give you Monday off to make arrangements for cleaning and insurance. Is there a lot of damage?"  
"No Sir, next to the smoke not much. But there is a lot of cleaning to do."  
"Well, let me know if I can be of any help." He was about to add a "dismissed" when he remembered they were not at the office. With a curd nod he walked to his car and drove off.  
The fire commander approached with some papers for Harm to fill in. After scribbling down his contact information they went as well.

It was a silent ride back. Both tried to digest the events of the last few hours. Finally Harm heaved a deep sigh. "I don't know what to say. If it hadn't been for your premonitions …"  
"Stop!" Mac ordered forcefully. "I don't want to talk about it right now!" With the last word her voice broke and she was clearly fighting to keep her tears at bay.  
When they reached her apartment she had recovered enough to suggest he was to put his clothes in the washer in the laundry room right away, even before they went upstairs. Without a word Harm complied.  
Still silent they walked the stairs hand in hand. Inside Harm announced he was going to take a shower. Mac nodded mutely. With a last look he disappeared in the bathroom. Standing under the warm jets he mused how to break through Mac's silence. He was really worried about the way she reacted.  
In the meantime Mac had her own thoughts as well. She had been so close to losing him she almost couldn't bear to think about it. She heard him splashing and suddenly, without thinking, she jumped into action. She stripped of her clothes, carelessly tossing them on a chair, and slipped into the bathroom as well. She could see his tall figure through the frosted glass windows of the shower cabin. His back was towards her. She took a deep breath and opened the door. Before he realized she was standing behind to him, pressing her naked body to his. She let her arms slip around his waist, her hands travelling upwards to his chest. She felt him gulp and then, ever so slowly, he turned around. Their eyes locked. Mac waited with bated breath. It was as if the world has come to a standstill. If he rejected her now, again, she wouldn't know how to survive.  
But then he smiled, the warm loving smile he saved just for her. His arms came up to encircle her. And her world started to turn again.  
She reached for the shampoo and started to apply it to his hair. She massaged his scalp and raked his hair, then took the shower head to rinse. Next to that she started to soap his body, from head to toes. She felt him shiver once in a while but he stood willingly under her ministrations, letting her do as she pleased.  
Then he took the shampoo, giving her hair the same treatment. He applied conditioner and let it work in, in the meantime washing her body with the same care and dedication she had showed. Then he rinsed her hair, his eyes never leaving hers.  
It was a slow wordless caressing, exploring each other with hands and mouth. Suddenly Harm pulled back. He opened the cabin door and lifted her out. Turning off the shower he followed her and snatched a towel from the rack. Slowly, fully focussed he started to towel her down. When he was done, he smiled.  
And now it was Mac's turn again. She too took a towel and carefully dried his hair, let the towel trail over his broad shoulders and chest and lower, until she reached his feet as well. Then she dropped the towel, took his hand and pulled him with her into the bedroom where the bed was waiting for them. She lay down, pulling him with her.  
They kissed. Long lingering kisses which only served to enhance their desire.  
"Are you sure?" were the first words he spoke.  
She smiled. "Yes," she said, reaching for her bed stand's drawer. A bit shy she handed him the foil package.

Afterwards she lay curled up to his chest. His hands drew patterns on her bare back while he waited for her to speak.  
"Are you angry?"  
"No, why should you think so?"  
"Well, I kind of ... forced myself on you, didn't I?"  
Harm took her hand and kissed it. "Nothing happened I didn't want." Silence ruled again till his voice broke it "You know I love you, don't you?"  
Mac gasped. Her eyes welled up. He loved her!  
"And I want to marry you."  
He turned towards her. "Marry me?" he asked softly. With bated breath he waited for her answer.  
Mac kept silent for a while. Then she lifted her head, a sad, yet determinate expression on her face. "Harm, I can't do this. Not now! It's not that I don't love you, I do, so much. I don't want anything more than be yours, be your wife, the mother of your children. Grow old with you. But you saw me those past weeks. How I felt. The depression. How I coped, or better said, not coped with it. Yes, I'm feeling a lot better now, thanks to you, but I can't be sure it doesn't come back. I can't, I don't want you to have to carry the burden of my depressions."  
"You will fight the depression and I'm prepared to wait," Harm softly said. "As long as it takes."  
"Even when it takes months? Years?"  
"Yes."  
"I won't have more to offer than being your friend now."  
He sat straight. "I know. I don't care. Sarah, I want, no, I need you in my life. Nothing scares me more than the thought of losing you!" He swallowed, fighting his emotions. "I love you. Let me think of a way …"  
Suddenly he rolled out of bed and jumped to his feet. Mac chilled. He was walking away; he was leaving her!  
But instead he walked over retrieve something out of the pocket of his trouser and then to the drawer where her jewellery box was sitting. He rummaged through it to come up with a thin gold necklace. He showed her both items. "You are not going to wear my ring on your right hand," he told her firmly and Mac was not going to dispute. She knew how he had loathed seeing Mic's ring there. He threaded the ring to the chain and walked over to her once more. Mac silently turned around and held her hair up so he could secure the necklace around her neck. He pressed a kiss on her upper vertebra.  
"You can move it to your finger when you are ready," he declared.  
Mac smiled. "I will. I will inform you when I'm ready for you to put it on my left finger. And Harm, with Mic it was _if_ I was to wear his ring on my left finger, with you it's _when_!"  
They lay back on the bed again. Harm pulled the covers over them and she lay her head on his shoulder once again, both being content to be together.  
But Mac's thoughts didn't stop. "I'm going into counselling," she declared out of the blue.  
Harm was surprised. "Why?" he asked. "You were so determined not to."  
Mac took his hand. "I want you. I want a life with you. And if I keep doing this on my own, I'm afraid I will never have the certainty, or at least as much certainty as possible, these bleak periods won't come back. You are prepared to fight for me; I should be, too. I owe that to you." And as he was to protest she corrected "I owe that to _us_!"  
Harm silently brought her hand to his lips. "And I will fight together with you," he promised.

 _Tuesday_  
The next Tuesday Harm asked for a meeting with their CO. He wanted to update him about the changing relationship with Mac and most of it; he wanted to talk him into some leniency. After all, when Mac was going to have counselling, it might affect her job. Even though she had arranged to have evening sessions.  
He was not disappointed, Touched by Harm asking for his aid, even though he didn't show it, the Admiral promised to give Mac as much space as possible.  
His conversation with the Admiral had sparked another thought. As Mac wasn't ready to wear his ring yet, she could only wear it on a necklace when she wore high closed clothing. Telling Mac he had things to take care off but promising he would come over for dinner he first dropped off some paperwork at his insurer and then hit a jeweller's shop. Here he selected a golden pendant in the form of a rose and ordered it to be engraved with the words 'I love you, H.' written in Farsi, thus making the chance very small that other people would grab the meaning. The salesman told him it would take a day so he would be able to pick it up the day after. Harm whistled when he drove off. This way Mac could wear his 'ring' without giving things away.  
And indeed, the next day Mac was very touched and happy with his present, even shed a few tears.  
 _Friday  
_ Friday brought a little surprise in the form of a fat envelope. When Harm opened it, it turned out to contain a letter, a stack of pictures, and a drawing. Mac grabbed the photos while Harm read the letter. In it Jonathan Simply expressed his gratitude for the trees – the children had been over the moon and the pics had been taken when the trees were being decorated – and for the new heating system. He told that due to the fact some parts had to be ordered, the Mitlav brothers would start in the first week of January but they already had made some repairs and he was confident there would not be a heating problem during the holidays. Furthermore he told he had been contacted by one of the navy's PR-officers and an outing to an airbase was now scheduled for April, when the weather would be better. Little Peter had insisted on making an art work for them; that was included as well.  
Mac had looked at the pictures and now reached for the drawing. Seeing it she burst into laughter and held it up for Harm to see as well. He pulled a face. Peter had depicted him as a kind of superman, although clad in Navy uniform.  
"I don't think …" he started but Mac cut him short.  
"He must have worked very hard on this one. I love it and I'm going to frame it," she declared.  
Harm didn't look too excited and she gave him a peck on the mouth. "You might not be Superman, but you're my hero."  
When he still didn't look happy she placed a hand against his cheek. "I know you don't like to be put on a pedestal but those kids need someone to show an interest in them, someone they can look up to. We will send them a box of candy and a special card to Peter."  
Harm, realizing she was right, leaned in to kiss her.  
"My wise love," he said.

 _Sunday afternoon  
Last week of February  
Park in Rosslyn  
_True to her word Mac had started counselling. The Admiral had granted her to leave a bit early each Monday and Harm would wait for her when she returned from her appointment.  
The counselling was hard on her and it almost immediately turned out she needed some personal time after the sessions. So with the Admiral's permission she decided to reschedule her appointments to Tuesdays when Harm was playing basketball. Afterwards she would call him and leave a message on his answering machine. Before he left the gym he would listened to it and it was up to Mac whether she wanted him to come over, wanted him to call her to talk or just was saying goodnight. Even as Harm desperately wanted to help her he never pushed.

That afternoon they were to meet Bud, Harriet and little AJ in one of Washington's parks. The little boy had a blast tumbling through the snow and throwing it in the air, creating his own little snowstorm. Since Harriet was pregnant again and needed to be careful, the other adults took turns to play with him. All the while they had a bit of a snowball fight of their own.  
With shining eyes Mac watched Harm swing little AJ in the air. The boy loved nothing more than to play airplane with his Godfather. Her thoughts wandered to moment they, she and Harm, would have their own offspring. He would be such a loving and playful dad! Oh, how she longed for that moment.  
Suddenly all her objections seemed null and void. Sure there would be difficult times but he loved her and she loved him. Very much! What more could she expect, what more wish for? She was sure now! She walked over to Harm who had lowered AJ and put him on his own feet again. Ploughing through the snow the little boy strolled back to his parents.  
Harm turned towards Mac and smiled. Approaching him she stood on her tiptoes and kissed him but before he could take her in his arms and kiss her back she stepped back. Harm frowned, both surprised and a bit alarmed. But Mac smiled, reached behind her neck to pull her necklace from under her cloths. On it was Harm's ring.  
His eyes widened and his breath caught. Mac untied the ring and handed it over.  
"Will you put it where it belongs?" she asked  
With shaking fingers he took the item, stepped back and lowered himself on one knee.  
"Sarah, I love you with all my heart. Will you do me the honour to marry me?"  
Even though this was the second time he asked her, Mac's eyes were full of tears. Silently she nodded, slipped off her glove and extended her left hand. He slid the ring on her finger and bent his head to kiss her hand. Then he stood and took her in his arms, swinging her around in the air, before kissing her senseless.  
All of a sudden they were interrupted. A little body bumped into Harm's leg. It was little AJ. From a distance he had seen his godparents kissing and loving cuddles and kisses he wanted his share of the fun.  
Harm laughed out loud and scooped the little boy up. He wrapped his little arms around Harm's neck. Both Harm and Mac gave him a hug before walking hand in hand back to Harriet and Bud.  
When Mac reached Harriet the younger woman wasted no time in snatching her hand and admiring the ring. "It's beautiful," she gushed. Then she frowned and asked curiously "It was Harm's ring but I thought I saw you pulling it out from under your clothes?"  
Mac nodded and explained "Harm already asked me some time ago, before Christmas. But I wasn't ready then. Well, I was ready but I didn't want to put the burden of my depression on his shoulders. We agreed I would wear his ring on my necklace till I felt I defeated the depression."  
"And you went into counselling," Harriet nodded. Mac nodded "Yes. Today I realised there was no need to wait any longer anymore."  
"I never saw you wearing his ring on a necklace," Harriet wondered.  
"That's because Harm gave me a pendant to act as a substitute so I could wear it in public."  
"The rose," Harriet suddenly understood.  
"Yes. The words on the backside say 'I love you' in Farsi."  
Harriet chuckled "I would never have thought the Commander could be so romantic."  
"You have no idea," Mac chuckled. "You have no idea!"

 _That evening  
Mac's apartment  
_"When do you want to marry?" Harm suddenly asked.  
"Soon," Mac answered without hesitation.  
"You're not afraid anymore?"  
Slowly she shook her head. "I know I still can have a bad spells but I feel I can conquer them." She turned towards him. "I want you, Harm, I want a life with you. And I don't care what I have to do for it."  
Harm took her hand and kissed it. "You have me," he vowed. "For ever and a day. For better, for worse."  
"And everything in between," Mac smiled. She folded her hands behind his neck to pull him in for a kiss. She didn't need any cheering up now; she just was happy.

The end


End file.
